This want past bearing
by JennySparks
Summary: A Blackhill one-shot of unspoken feelings and untamed desire.


Author's Note: I was supposed to respond to the prompt "face-sitting" for Kinktober. Ended up with all these feels. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, man. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

Natasha is exhausted.

Her limbs feel like heavy metal and the bruises on her body tell a story of violence and blood.

The red in her tactical suit is not hers, though. She succeeded. She lives another day.

All she wants to do is take a shower and sleep for two days straight in her modest S.H.I.E.L.D. bunk. It's not much, but at least now she has a cabin all for herself at the Helicarrier. The perks of proving herself to be their most valuable asset.

She's ready to undress and jump on the shower when someone knocks at her door. It's a gentle knock. Almost shy. She ignores it. They know she's tired, they know she did everything right. Of course she didn't stop by medical, but she never does. They know this. So whatever they want, they can wait.

She gets out of her suit slowly, grimacing from the stress on her ribs and the pain radiating from her chest. It will be alright in a couple of minutes, once she feels the water washing it all away.

She's in her underwear when someone knocks again. A little more insistent. Perhaps the same person. Of course it is the same person, it has to be.

Natasha swears in Russian. She tells them to fuck off.

They knock again. It's not gentle this time.

She ignores it, limping to the shower. She gets rid of her panties and almost tears her bra in two trying to get out of it.

The knocks become pounding, and now she knows they won't fucking stop.

Natasha swears again, loudly, colorfully, and hobbles back to the door, naked, bloodstained, pissed beyond reason and ready to murder.

She finally opens the door ready to shock to the death the stupid recruit Fury sent her way to annoy her with unsubstantial information, but that's not a recruit at her door.

It's Maria _Fucking_ Hill. Deputy Director _Eyecandy_. _Hardass_ Hill. Commander _Jackass_.

And she's trembling right in front of her, and her eyes look like she's been crying.

The Russian hears herself mutter a _"what the fuck" _but Maria just lets herself in having the nerve not to look even mildly flustered by Natasha's naked body.

Hill paces around the room like a felon on the green mile. She seems desperate and out of her mind. Natasha's never seen her like this.

"I just need to tell you something and then I'll be on my way. I'm sorry. I know you must be exhausted."

Natasha just arches an eyebrow and scoffs, disguising her rising anxiety as she closes the door.  
"No shit."

Maria inhales deeply and just shoots.

"When your comms went down after we heard the gunfire, we – I, I thought I'd lost you," Maria closes her beautiful blue eyes, and Natasha knows she's reliving the moment, and she sees her broken, lost, in a sort of pain she didn't think existed, "and I thought… no – I – I knew…" Maria sighs, frustrated with herself, "I knew I'd been a fool. And a liar. And a coward."

Natasha blinks as she realizes she's been holding her breath.

Now Maria is looking at her, genuinely looking at her for the first time. Maria has seen her naked before. In fact, they have seen each other naked, they have touched each other, kissed, brought each other to climax. They've been having sex, yes, for the past three months. Casually, carefree, twenty-two times. Natasha has counted them. And she remembers every little detail of each one of those twenty-two encounters.

But she's never seen Maria like this. She's never seen Maria looking at her like this. Like she'd stop breathing if Natasha wasn't safe. Like she's taken a peek into a world of darkness.

Now she feels bad. She should've said something. She should've let S.H.I.E.L.D. know she was fine. She just never thought they'd care.

But Maria cares.

"I know you're gonna laugh at me," Maria smiles, it doesn't reach her eyes, "but fuck it."

She closes the distance between them. The Commander takes Nat's face in her hands and kisses her. The kiss says everything. It tastes like tears and blood and fear.

Nat's body is burning with pain everywhere, but she ignores it. She kisses Maria back. She pushes her tongue inside Maria's mouth. She wants to bite and scratch and take and be taken.

But it's Maria who breaks the kiss and takes a step back. She laughs and cries.

"I thought I'd lost you, Nat."

"I'm right here," is all Natasha manages to say without her voice breaking.

"You are… but I… I know now, Nat."

"Know what?"

"I'm in love with you."

Natasha should laugh, yes. Laugh in Maria's face and tell her that love is for children. She should spit on the floor, say something hurtful, fuck whoever she encounters next to let Maria know she doesn't belong to anyone. She should break Maria's heart.

Instead, her eyes fill with tears. Her body trembles. Her legs give way.

Maria catches her before she collapses to the floor and it's there, in Maria's arms, where Natasha realizes she's not just tired of fighting. Lying to herself has proven to be far more exhausting than taking down a whole terrorist cell by herself.

All Natasha can feel right now is fire, a flame that's consuming all her beliefs and misconceptions about life, love and death. And all that will be left in the ashes is Maria, looking at her, telling her she loves her. So brave. So stupidly brave. And hers.

It burns inside her. It burns so good.

Natasha captures Maria's lips, lowering her with hands grabbing her neck and the beautiful brown hair tied in a low bun. She messes it all up and soon she's unbuttoning Maria's uniform jacket.

It's desperate and the most uncool sex they've ever had. Natasha can barely move and Maria is so careful that it ends up being kind of frustrating. And yet, it feels like heaven.

They end up in Natasha's bunk with almost no space for the two of them. Maria's finally naked and Natasha straddles her head, sitting on her face. The orgasm Maria gets out of her is not uncool at all, and she squirts like she's never squirted before, she almost fears Maria might drown under her.

But all she sees when she comes down from the high is blue eyes shining with pride, adoration and love.

It should feel weird for Natasha. It doesn't.

Maria carries her to the shower after that. She washes her hair and attends to her every wound.

They go back to bed and Maria gets dressed to make a quick run to the med-bay. She comes back five minutes later with a bottle of water, painkillers and some fruit.

Natasha eats, drinks and takes her pills without a word.

Maria strips again and gets in bed with Natasha. The bunk is tiny, so she spoons her.

Natasha takes Maria's hand to her lips and kisses each finger.

She says _"I love you"_ in Russian. Just like that. As if she's saying goodnight.

Maria responds with a soft kiss to her naked shoulder and snuggles closer.

Natasha is exhausted.

She closes her eyes and dreams of her only memory of her parents.

A snowy day of winter and a snowball fight. She was two or three. She doesn't know if it's a real memory. Perhaps she made it up, but the dream is nice and, when she wakes up, Maria is still holding her.

* * *

"Come to me again,  
and release me from this want past bearing  
All that my heart desires to happen—make it happen.  
And stand beside me,  
goddess, my ally."  
–Shappho (c. 630 – c. 570 BC)


End file.
